Welcome to the Cistercian Teacher Awards! This is a highly renowned awards ceremony, and the winners of these awards are highly envied.  There were many contenders for these prestigious honors, but only a few could take home the trophy*.

And the winners are…

Best Homecoming Dance Moves: Fr. Philip takes it away with the Indian Lungi Dance. He performed it for us in class once. It brought tears to everyone’s eyes, and it ended with a standing ovation. If someone has a different idea of what happened, they aren’t a writer for the Informer, so they don’t control history.

Best Dance Moves in General: This one will have to go to Fr. Lawrence. He crushed a student in a dance-off at the Freshman Mixer. I won’t say who for the sake of his dignity.

Fastest Person in the English Department: Winning much kleos, Mr. Spence speeds into first. If you see him zooming around the school, presumably late for a Student Council meeting, be sure to get out of the way. His speed rivals Atalanta of Arcadia.

Most Relatable Quote: This award goes to Fr. Lawrence for the quote “That takes effort, so we’re not gonna do that,” which he said during a Form Masters class.

Best Informer Editor: Well, it certainly isn’t Patrick Geary or Ben Woods, I’ll tell you that.

Best Homecoming Costume: This award goes to Fr. Gregory for his magnificent jester costume. As a bonus, he gave people Snickers and spoke French! However, we must mention Mr. Spence as the runner-up. He shaved his ever-present beard for his costume.

Best True/False Section: This award goes to Mr. Mehen for his truly glorious True/False tests that always destroy my grade, and especially for his daily True/False quizzes which Ben guesses on and gets 100’s while I study at, getting 60’s (and sometimes 10’s).

Best Beard In School: While Mr. Blackwell’s beard is nice, Dr. Rinaldi’s takes the cake. In fact, one of our sources says he combs his beard to keep it so well groomed. He saw this during a Biology class when Dr. Rinaldi thought the class wasn’t watching. We have concealed this student’s identity. He stated that he doesn’t want a marker flying towards him when he least expects it.

Most Soul-Crushing Tests (So Far): While I consider all tests to be soul-crushing, especially those in math,  Fr. Lawrence’s tests narrowly get the victory. I still have nightmares about our First Form Math Final.

Most Blatant Disregard for Chair Rules: While this person isn’t a teacher, his disregard for the rules is astonishing. Most people would think it goes to Ben Woods for constantly forgetting the rule, but it actually goes to Michael Wilson. I won’t say what he does, but you should be on the lookout for his shenanigans.

MVP (Most Valuable Penances): Dr. Newcomb takes this award. While he didn’t actually give out this penance, we all took his threat very seriously. An unnamed boy was leaning back in his chair and almost got a 200 line penance of the phrase “I will not lean back in my chair.”

Most Jaw-Dropping Ability: We’re going to disregard Mr. Blackwell’s backflip in this category, and instead give this award to Fr. Philip for his amazing ability to eat everything, ranging from homework to penances.

Most Likely to Give Students Diabetes: There are two clear frontrunners in this category: Dr. Rinaldi and Madame Obels-Robinson. However, Madame wins this contest by a very narrow margin. Both of them have candy in their office, but Madame has even more candy. Many freshmen have gone to her office to ask a fake question and get some candy. In fact, one group has formed a “French Gang” to go to ask for candy regularly.

Best Office: The contestants for this category are Mr. Humphries and Dr. Rinaldi. Mr. Humphries has lots of airplanes and models while Dr. Rinaldi has FUNKO Pops of superheroes. In this contest, Dr. Rinaldi wins. While his figures tie him with Mr. Humphries, his secret weapon, candy, pushed him over the edge to the finish line.

Best Throwing Accuracy: Mr. Spence and Mr. Parker were close on this one, but Mr. Parker eventually gains the prize. His ability to throw markers at sleeping students is uncanny. I would accuse him of hacking or using cheat codes, but unfortunately, this is the real world and those don’t really exist.

*Note: Due to Jacob’s unwillingness to let me be in charge of how we spend our money, winners of these awards receive nothing but eternal kleos.