Hello, it’s your favorite President—better than Washington, better than Lincoln—Donald Trump! Welcome to The Garbage Guru – The GREATEST Informer column in history!
Over the past few years, inflation has risen, our borders were opened, and I was VICIOUSLY ATTACKED in both mind and body—dodging both a literal and legal bullet. However, with my reelection, we will begin a new era of America—a GOLDEN ERA of American GREATNESS. But, sadly, there are still haters—Fancy Nancy Pelosi, Grumpy Chuck Schumer, and a bunch of other EXTREME LEFT LUNATICS!!! So the SPLENDID folks at The Informer have allowed me to explain some of my (awesome) executive orders using an old, forgotten article format—THE GARBAGE GURU. I hope you enjoy. If not, you’re fired.
EO 14148: Initial Rescissions of Harmful Executive Orders and Actions
Sticking it to CROOKED Joe Biden. I mean what damage did he do to our country! He was the most polarizing president since, well, me! But frankly his policies were TERRIBLE!!! So I rescinded them. I mean who knew I could do that? 67 nullified at once! What a great time to be alive! But enough about the past. What about now? What will I do? Read more to find out…
EO 14154: Unleashing American Energy
Drill Baby Drill. Need I say more?
EO 14158: Establishing and Implementing the President’s “Department of Government Efficiency”
Ah yes, good ol’ Elon right back at it. I mean really what a great dude. He is frankly one of the greatest men I know – so honest and trustworthy that, honestly, I think he should be our 48th president (don’t tell CNN I said that. This article is for Hawk eyes and Hawk eyes only). But enough about Elon, more about the REAL president, me! These wokeys will tell you Elon is my puppet master, but I say NO!! But anyway, DOGE! I am going to CUT more than Gordon Ramsey on a busy day. More CUTS than the entire supply of a food I love – COLD CUTS. FAKE NEWS will tell you I don’t like them, but I really do. Almost as much as I love DOGE. Which is A LOT.
EO 14172: Restoring Names That Honor American Greatness
Ohhhh my personal favorite. You thought I was joking, but NO. I first renamed Denali back to Mt. McKinley. McKinley was my and your second favorite president of course, right behind ME. Perhaps someday a president will rename a mountain to “Trump Mountain.” I’d love that.
But really the thing people can’t stop talking about is The Gulf of America. I mean what a great idea. I said I’d do it, but really who believed me? Everyone was saying “no, he’d never” but I DID. To be honest, I only did this to anger Democrats. I mean they are just so easily angered when ANYTHING changes. Maybe next I should change Lake Michigan to “Lake Trump.” And Lake Superior to “Lake Melania.” That would be the closest we’ve ever been to each other. But still, WHAT A HUGE SUCCESS. Maybe when I buy Greenland I can rename that too. Maybe “Donland”. Or “Barron’s Little Kingdom.” I am still taking ideas, but those are my FAVORITE right now.
EO 14186: The Iron Dome for America
Yes I love it, the Israelis invented the Iron Dome a while ago, and now I WANT IT. I will order one to be put on my Trump hotels, of which there are MANY. Democrats will tell you I am a terrible businessman, but what kind of a business man has GIANT skyscrapers with their names on them? I have more money than, probably, most people. Elon is rich, but really, how many skyscrapers have “MUSK” written on them. Anyway, the Iron Dome is really cool. The Israelis are cooler. I am the coolest. YAY!
EO 14189: Celebrating America’s 250th Birthday
I have created a 5 point plan on what will change for this year
- Every school must listen to YMCA and do my “Trump Dance” every morning before the pledge of allegiance. What a great, catchy song. Even better than their song MACHO MAN, which is what JD Vance, my HUGELY SUCCESSFUL Vice President calls me.
- Every time you see a Canadian, you MUST punch them in the face. It is so much fun – I did it to GOVERNOR TRUDEAU just the other day. If you do not punch them, you will be sent to Guantanamo Bay.
- We buy Greenland
- We invade Canada
- Everyone must eat at least 4 McRibs. Sorry Bobby, just let Americans have some fun. There is no fluoride in these McRibs, you know.
EO 14257: TARIFFS BABY. Will I have ’em will I not? Who’s to say. CROOKED JOE biden caused the bad economy – NOT MY TARIFFS. If you attack my tarriffs, I will CRUSH you like I crushed Lyin’ Kamala.
Well, there you have it! I think these are some GREAT executive orders, and you terrific HAWKS are the first to have an IN-DEPTH explanation of my great policies. If you have any further questions, comments, concerns, or would like a place in my cabinet, please contact me and I will explain EVERYTHING. I can just let Elon run things while I make a MASTERFUL REPLY!
GOD BLESS AMERICA
GOD BLESS THE GULF OF AMERICA