Teachersketball

The crowd went wild, sweat and tears filled the air, the fans did not let up. In what experts have addressed as “the game of the century”, two teams, led by Coach Haaser, the faculty’s oldest coach, and Dr. Newcomb, a man who can run as fast as Usain Bolt on an infinitely small scale, battled for faculty greatness. The game was introduced by an incredibly funny announcer listing off the names on the roster, and then the game got down to business. In a warm-up that would have made the championship Lithuanian Olympic team proud, Mr. Novinski made an impressive one out of thirty four jump shots. While “You’re the Best” played on the speakers and reminded us all of the ability to win despite all odds, Mr. Humphries searched for a jersey to wear during the game.

Winning the tipoff, team Haaser got off to an impressive start, but a lack of coordination threw the game into a turnover war. Coach Sklar tipped off the scales with a three pointer to draw first blood.

Coach Dotson, the only member on either team who still really plays the sport, scored a three from miles behind the three point line. In perhaps the most impressive play of the game, Fr. Philip launched the ball over the backboard, making everyone wonder if he understood the basic concepts of physics, such as force or gravity. The game was the most low-scoring and high-fouling that many students had ever seen, and it seemed as though the ball was in play as often as it was not. In a move that some are calling “illegal” and others “totally fair because the game hardly had any rules,” Coach Burk at one point allegedly yelled “We’re playing with six!” and ran on the court; a six man team is known by some of us as a “JVB practice team” minus three.

When the ball was stolen from him by the math department, Mr. Saliga dipped into his reservoir of South Side Chicago skills and tackled Humphries, the way that da bears defense wish they would have tackled in the 2015 season. Amid impressive lack of knowledge of where the hoop was or what the actual rules of basketball might be, Team Newcomb pulled ahead by the second half with an unbelievable shot by Mr. Alcala, making the score 14-9.

Both teams came out strong in the second half, scoring off the bat, but it was again the value of communication that allowed the white team to retain their lead. The game was relatively uninterrupted until, amid the flow of basketball came a block from Fr. Anthony that was whistled hard by referee Jack Albert, and, after an intense twitter war and a review of the footage, it was deemed pretty conclusively that Albert made a relatively poor call and it was in fact “all ball,” but we’ll side with the officials in this case because of the player’s poor attitude. As time dwindled down, it became clear that it would take more than a miracle to save Haaser’s team. While the veteran coach relied on skills and experience, Newcomb and the math faculty took to the expo board to draw up equations and math things, proving once again that you just can’t beat science.

Newcomb’s team won 25-18 as the juniors stormed the court despite being told numerous times not to. Malcolm Dotson was unsurprisingly named MVP and Fr. Ambrose led the school in prayer (I heard pack and go?). In a post-game interview, Mr. Haaser “reportedly” told Informer and Exodus staff “What do you want me to say?” and stormed out of the press box. After all was said and done, Dr. Newcomb stated he will be going back to teaching calculus at a small high school in Irving, and accord to Ref Albert’s twitter, Fr. Anthony is looking at fines and possible suspension from further faculty events.

The whole game is available on YouTube thanks to A.J. Anderhub. Click here to watch.