What To Leave Underclassmen in Your Senior Will

Before we leave this school, seniors have one last chance to leave their mark on it, establish a legacy, and do something in this last semester to be proud of. As the school’s only, and by default best, newspaper, it is our duty to provide students with one of these opportunities: Senior Wills. A Cistercian tradition since (however long they’ve been around, an editor can fact check this later), senior wills are the last chance the graduating class has to share a good laugh, severely put down, and leave something to the classes picking up the legacy where they left it off. Despite its popularity, many seniors are stuck with writer’s block, and very often don’t know what to say. So I’m here to help you out.

1. Scathing personal insults– It’s no surprise that this would be number one; in the history of the Informer’s senior wills, while many people leave heartfelt messages, the most prominent feature are the insults. Giving Jack Rau a free lunch is nice, but giving him a paint-by-number is hilarious.
2. Inside jokes– They’re like the insults, but not as emotionally scarring, and as long as the administration can’t understand what they really mean, we’re more than ok with it. Maybe you didn’t understand why Sam Scott left me his lifeboat, but I certainly do.
3. Large sums of debt– Thank Ronald Reagan for creating the precedent to borrow money from other countries. With the Obama years coming to a close, the national debt is topping out at close to 19 trillion dollars, and spending has only slightly slowed since the recession damage control protocols. If this continues, the sophomores won’t even be able to get a nickel from their grandma by 2030. Wow!
4. Subtlety– Unlike the film school of ESD, Cistercian would remind you to keep your jokes subtle. If you want to tell someone off, make sure they don’t know you’re doing it. Your uncle Steve might get a few laughs when he tells a bad joke, but as soon as he explains it everyone stops chuckling. Instead of calling your underclassmen dumb, tell them you “hope they manage to get their act together.” They probably won’t get it, so it’s subtler, and therefore funnier. That’s just science.
5. An environment on the verge of collapse– It’s no secret that our world is not sustainable at humanity’s current rate of carbon emissions. Couple that with an ever-increasing need for technology, and continual lack of action in world governments to reign this in, and some say the world will be gone within the middle schoolers’ generation. Oh boy!
6. Your Uncle Steve’s pool table– Everyone loves hanging out with the cousins at Uncle Steve’s! When he passes due to an untimely, falling refrigerator-related death, you can be sure he’ll let you have the old billiards table, so go ahead and let the juniors and sophomores share those memories with you.
7. Mr. Gregg’s sense of humor– It’s as hilarious as you would guess, why do you think all of our articles in the Informer are Buzzfeed-style listicles? “Top Ten things student thought about Braveart live?” What a great idea for a riveting read! He might get mad at me for this but he’s not here right now so that’s just too bad.
8. The pancake you ate half of last week– I’m sure if you slap some syrup on that you can probably make it seem like it’s new. No one will notice the mold, they’ll just be happy you remembered their name.
9. The prestigious legacy of the online Informer– No explanation needed.