Garbage Guru, No. 4

“The biggest problem with the other apps is that my face is not featured prominently,” he said. On this app, that problem is solved. It doesn’t matter how or where you swipe.
You will only be able to match with Aaron Smith, 31, of North Carolina. He recruited a software developing buddy of his to create the app, but so far, it’s been a complete failure. Mr. Smith said that as of this moment, his mom is still the only woman that regularly calls him. If you would like to download the app and make a friend, it’s called Singularity. I wouldn’t recommend it since this is an all-boys school and this man is 31 in North Carolina, but I have no jurisdiction in your homes.

I used to have high hopes for Joe Biden. Yet recently, everything he does that makes headlines hits me like a punch in the gut. He unveiled a new tour bus in Iowa with the phrase “No Malarkey” on the side. That’s a very far cry away from the “Yes We Can” coalition that he’s trying to recreate. Recently, on a campaign stop where his wife was speaking, she put her hands out, AND HE LEANED FORWARD TO NIBBLE ON THEM. (There’s a video, and it’s bizarre). It wasn’t that bad, but it goes to show Mr. Biden needs to learn his boundaries. In an Iowa town hall, a potential voter addressed Joe Biden and repeated false claims about Hunter Biden’s involvement in Ukraine and questioned Joe’s fitness to run as president. In response, Joe Biden (understandably) got angry, and instead of laying down the facts and dismissing the attack on his health, he challenged the man to a push-up contest. He also accidentally addressed this heavy-set man as “Fat.” Not only that, in another town hall, he told a Hispanic immigration advocate to “go vote for Trump” when questioned on Obama’s immigration record. I think Joe Biden may be full of malarkey.

I don’t even care that much about Papa John since he’s obscenely wealthy and was rightly fired for being racist. I do care that he has eaten more than 40 pizzas in a month. I mean, that’s not healthy. Is he eating only pizza? Are his organs shutting down? Is that why he looked weirdly “wet” in a recent interview? And I assure you that “wet” is the only way to describe his look in this interview.