Garbage Guru, Vol. 8

It’s been a long month. News time!

German soccer team thrashed 37-0 after socially distancing from opponent

Who knew that fielding only 7 players as a coronavirus precaution would end badly? I really want to know what the punishment for the losing team was after the game. I’m sure they had to run an absurd amount of laps around their field, perhaps one for each point that was scored on them. Let’s not forget that this was a soccer match, so one goal doesn’t earn you six points. The ball went into their net 37 times. 37 TIMES! Even if their goalie had shown some level of competency, this team rarely moved the ball into their opponents’ side of the field throughout the entire game. 

Woman told officer “I have to poop so bad” before high-speed chase

I’m not saying I’d get into a high speed chase with a police officer, though I understand her reasoning. Sometimes, when Mother Nature calls, you can’t tell her you’ll get back to her. Of course, in actuality, this story is far more complex. The woman, who was driving with an expired license, had warrants out for her arrest in that county. In addition to these charges, illegal substances were found in her vehicle. All things considered, I still think this was the best excuse to give to the police.

Goat jumps inside Douglas County Deputy Sheriff’s vehicle, eats paperwork

Imagine this Deputy Sheriff returning to his captain’s office, completely heartbroken and empty-handed. Asked where the paperwork is for the conviction of the murderer, which is crucial for the DA’s case, this Deputy Sheriff has to respond, “A goat ate the paperwork.” If that’s not a terminable offense, then I don’t know what is.

Billion-dollar company Lululemon under fire for promoting ‘resist capitalism’ event

I have to say, the sentiment isn’t entirely terrible. Of course, I have NO idea what “resist capitalism” means, because that can range from “ethical consumption” to “government limitations on corporations” to “violent overthrow of the current economic system.” Not to mention, Lululemon is a capitalist corporation that sells $80 leggings. By the way, their terrifying price tags aren’t due to them paying their workers and not polluting the environment. No, they’re just as focused on cost-cutting as the other companies. So, do they want us to boycott their competitors? Do they want us to boycott them? How do I resist capitalism and why is Lululemon telling me how to do this? 

Lincoln man pleads City Council to stop using the term “Boneless Chicken Wings”

I don’t know how this man was able to restrain himself from jumping over the counter and throwing a fit. When I hear someone advocate for the ordering of “Boneless Chicken Wings,” my heart dies. Those are not chicken wings; they are merely glorified chicken nuggets for people that don’t have the necessary skills required to eat chicken off of a bone. Normally, I dislike the attitude that members of older generations often take when they say things like “Back in my day, things were far tougher,” but when it comes to pre-sauced chicken nuggets, I couldn’t agree more. Rather than being classified with that hideously incorrect name, I think it should be known as “Baby Food” on the menu of every establishment from now on. The current name gives far too much pride to those who eat little chunks of fried chicken. The first thing that our next president should do is sign an executive order forcing the name off of restaurant menus. Constitutionality does not matter, as I’m sure the SCOTUS feels strongly enough about this to rule in favor of my case.