Garbage Guru, Vol. 10

CDC Says Cruises Can Set Sail Again But Passengers Will Not Be Allowed On Board

Some cruise ships are going to take the CDC up on their offer, especially since the CDC is actually allowing 250 passengers (maximum) to be on board. When they do, I will invite you all to attend my funeral; the cause of death will be multiple blood vessels being popped in my brain out of rage. Cruise ships are terrifying polluters of the environment and large cruise-liner corporations mistreat their employees with rules that hearken back to the American Gilded Age. Enough about the cruise industry, please return to the funny headline.

Kim Kardashian West mocked for ‘humble’ birthday party on a private island

This is the West family’s money, and they can do anything they want with it. Not to mention, the Kardashian family got famous off of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, a show that no sane person would describe as “classy.” They’ve got so much strange, needless drama, and I don’t know why anyone was expecting a proper response from them. Let’s be honest, this is how most of us would celebrate if we won the lottery. Anyway, don’t pay any more attention to the Kardashian clan, I beg you.

Iowa man who stole election sign goes on to steal newspapers that reported it

Every day I wake up, and my first thought is always “Please let me out of this Parks and Rec simulation that I have been placed into.” Every day, I am greeted with headlines like this one. The flaw with this Iowa man’s master plan is that unfortunately, no one reads the paper – it’s all on screens these days. However, I would like someone to hire him as the campaign manager for a presidential candidate in 2024; every time his candidate messes up, he’ll order a nationwide theft of The New York Times. I wish I could say that his strategy wouldn’t work, but I have no faith left in our nation, so I think he’ll win by a landslide.

Bay Village Priest says someone called police about a homeless person, but it was a statue of Jesus

You know, I don’t think this person’s assessment is inaccurate. If my understanding of the Bible is correct, Jesus was homeless for 3 years when he went around Israel preaching the Word of the Lord. The intention of the statue was to remind people in the Bay Village area that homelessness is a serious issue, even if they are removed from it. The statue of Jesus was stationed outside of the local church to raise money to help the homeless; I think this incident may have helped their cause. Though much more oculd be read into this, we’ll just leave it as the funny headline.

The United States Risks Sanctions From Zimbabwe If Elections Are Not Free And Fair

I am QUAKING in my boots at the possibility of Zimbabwean sanctions on the USA. The stock market has not yet bounced back—the threat of these sanctions has frightened investors far too much! On a more serious note, it’s a little sad that a fledgling democracy like Zimbabwe, a country that we slapped with sanctions in 2001 because of the violence following their 2000 elections, is now doing the same thing to us. It doesn’t mean much economically, but symbolically, we should take a look at how far our American prestige has fallen in the world. If the Cold War were to reignite, we would not be the standard-bearers of freedom and capitalism that we were. But Zimbabwe is small! Ha!