For some reason, we at the Informer have never done a comprehensive ranking of all Braveart metal sculptures around campus. Why? Haven’t the foggiest clue. Too busy writing old sports news or reviews of movies that no one saw? Possibly. Orchestrating a violent seizure of the levers of power while Garbage Guru shields us from suspicion with a token veneer of socially awkward humor? Probably. But as of writing, the Cowboys aren’t great, Speak No Evil is still copyrighted, and our plans for global domination have been successfully foiled by a loose confederation of international spies. So with nothing better to do, here are all ten metal sculptures ranked in reverse order.
10. HAWK; EAST ENTRANCE OF SCIENCE BUILDING (Class of 2018)
Let’s be honest. Who even knew this was here? Which first former has ever stopped on the way to Earth Science and marveled at the brilliant artistry of “Hawk?” Who even knew the science building HAD an east entrance? These are unanswerable questions, but one thing that’s not in question–this sculpture is as dull and uninspiring as Charlie Brown on Prozac. Class of 2018, I respect y’all too much to think this is your best work. Do better.
9. CRANE; LIBRARY GROUNDS (Class of 2021)
I guess it’s hard to make a bird sculpture look dope. And this piece is just atoms better than “Hawk,” which is basically the only thing keeping it out of last place. To be clear–as a sculpture, “Crane” is fine, considering it was built by a gaggle of COVID-addled teenagers in about three hours and is held together today by welding, various communicable diseases, and prayer. My issue is with “Crane’s” placement on the library grounds. One of the worst metal sculptures has one of the best spots on campus all to herself, and I for one am not having it. Imagine giving an admissions tour or hosting a prospective family, and halfway through having to explain to a traumatized 8 year old why there’s a rusty sculpture of an anorexic flamingo staring him down as he walks into school. “Crane” would be great in the Abbey, but next to the library, it’s pretty fowl.
8. “ARDERE ET LUCERE” TORCH; AMPHITHEATRE (Class of 2017)
I have been to about 15 pep rallies at this point, with varying levels of amphitheatric antics, and I did not realize until last week that this weird spiky torch thing on the righthand side was intentionally placed. I thought it was just an accident of school history, like those hideous orange tiles or our quinquagenarian “New Gym.” Now that I know what this torch is…mehhhh. Don’t get me wrong, being a pyre upon which to burn the mascots of our hapless foes is pretty awesome, but there’s only so much artistry you can generate with three poles and a base. “Torch” is a lot better than another bird sculpture. But maybe next time, focus less on function and more on form.
7. JEDI MONK; TENNIS COURTS ENTRANCE (Class of 2020)
Another fine sculpture with terrible placement. I love this thing to death, but guys–do we really want the first thing our opponents see when they walk onto our football field to be “Jedi Monk?” Other schools see Cistercian boys as overly religious, socially awkward nerds with sub-par athletics. Aside from athletics, we are. But they don’t have to know that. Swap this out for “Archangel Raphael” or “St. Michael” and all of a sudden we’re 10-0, heading to the SPC football championship, and everyone has a gorgeous Hoco date and a thriving social life. You heard me right. We could all be Major Beasley.
6. TELESCOPE; MIDDLE SCHOOL COURTYARD (Class of 2022)
Literally the only reason “Telescope” isn’t last is that there used to be a random coconut bra in the back of the gym SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS SCULPTURE TO WEAR DURING HAWAIIAN-THEMED EVENTS! And yes, I know now we usually put it on “St. Michael”, but come on. It’s not the same. That bra and this sculpture were made for each other, like bread and butter, cheese and crackers, Mr. Saliga and listening quizzes. It’s one of the great love stories in history, and while “Telescope” is too ugly to put honestly in the top five, for those 2 or 3 nights a year, this sculpture is the best on campus.
5. ST. BERNARD DOG; GYM COURTYARD (Class of 2024)
“Dog” is unassuming, unremarkable, and bland, which to be honest, might not be the worst counterbalance to the avian acid trip that is “Crane.” There’s not a lot to say about the most inoffensively boring sculpture in the school. Honestly, the more interesting story might be that grey wooden chair right next to it. One day, the Informer will run a groundbreaking piece of investigative journalism, and tell the student body once and for all why the Iron Throne has been sitting in the gym courtyard for 2 1/2 years. But that day is not today. Moving on.
4. BLACK HAND; ART ROOM GROUNDS (Class of 2014)
Admittedly, part of the reason “Black Hand” is ranked so highly is because (trivia fact of the day) it was actually the first metal sculpture ever to be built during Braveart. You didn’t know that. You didn’t particularly want to know that. But now you do. “Black Hand” might not be the prettiest or the most inspiring or the cleanest sculpture on campus, but considering it was the FIRST sculpture on campus, I’d say even a disembodied zombie hand rising like Frankenstein’s monster from the Art Room mulch is A+ work. Much love, laughter, and tetanus this strange artistic tradition has engendered in the last decade, and I for one say well begun, Class of 2014.
3. ATLAS; EAST SIDE OF EAST GYM (Class of 2019)
“Atlas” is pretty much everything a sculpture should be. Excellent work. What’s NOT excellent work? Shoving one of the best sculptures on campus in a part of the school where no one will see it except maintenance and the occasional second former lost on his way to Biology. Swap this creative, well-made, crafted-to-perfection masterpiece out with “Jedi Monk” and they would both skyrocket to numbers one and two (respectively) on this list. But such as it is…I’m sorry, Fr. Ambrose. Your guys did their best, but this poor demigod never stood a chance.
2. ST MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL; NEAR SCHOOL CHAPEL (Class of 2015)
I only have one complaint with this statue, which is that a couple of years ago, there was a massive wasp colony living in its head that refused to die. Refused. To. Die. And I know that’s not the sculpture’s fault, and in every other way, this sculpture checks all the boxes, but this is my list, and it’s late at night, and I’m the editor, so I’m knocking it down to number 2. Deal with it. Still though, props to 2015, who followed up 2014’s decent inaugural performance in “Black Hand” with what is oh-so-almost the best metal sculpture in the school.
1. ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL; SIDEWALK TO ABBEY (Class of 2023)
At last–the only sculpture with nothing negative to say. From its subject matter (Archangel Raphael, defender and protector of faith as Fr. Raphael was himself defender and spiritual protector of this form) to its placement (first thing you see on the way to the abbey church) everything about “Raphael” just screams Cistercian. I could sing the praises of this sculpture forever, but then I couldn’t be snarky, which defeats this article’s point. Well done, Class of 2023. You have built your awesome statue to withstand even my sarcasm. Truly it shall stand for all time.
