Officially I am the best fantasy football player right now. As the Bible once said in all its fantasy football wisdom, “The last shall be first and the first shall be last.” At 1-6 in my current fantasy league, I am biblically in first place. If you saw this article’s title and thought “Yeah, I’ll read that” you are either a sadistic person who laughs at others misfortunes, or you also need help on how to win fantasy football. If you are the second of those two, welcome! Before fantasy season, there are thousands of articles on how best to play fantasy football. This is not that. I am terrible at fantasy. Like I’m bad. Anyone can beat me in fantasy. But enough intro, lets get down to business on HOW TO LOSE AT FANTASY FOOTBALL.
First, and most importantly, don’t draft well. Do zero research. Not even a little. I did none, and look where I am now.
But people reading this highly informative article are in the middle of their season. What should they do if they still want the honored position of last place status? This is where things get interesting.
Randomly drop tight ends—Jake Ferguson, for example. If they get hurt, don’t bite the bullet and lose a few points in the short term. Blow your tight end spot for the entire season. If you do what I have done, you will get stuck with Mike Gesicki. Sad. While Gesicki, the proud Penn State grad, is probably a good guy, he’s not a great fantasy option. Think you are Joe Burrow? Do you give the ball to Tee Higgins, Ja’Marr Chase, or Gesicki? The answer is obviously Gesicki. This was one of the best worst decisions you could possibly make for your team.
That reminds me, get the Ravens defense when you have two offensive players playing the Ravens that week. And then just keep their defense. It is a surefire way to get negative points each game. It will cost you anywhere between 2 and 3 games per season. Heck, it already cost me one game—you can do the same thing!
Also get Brandon Aiyuk. He is the foolproof way to always underperform your projected point total. In order to best be the worst, sell one of your best players for Aiyuk. Maybe your WR1 or Flex. Really, any great starting player you want.
Finally, pick up as many Cowboys you can. After Jerry Jones went “all in” in the offseason, the Cowboys have real chances of winning it all this year. Yeah, they lost pretty badly to the Saints, but we all know that was a fluke win. Okay sure, the Lions killed them, too, but what’s another fluke win? They beat the Steelers, though!
A final word to my fellow trash-fantasy-players. Come in last! The punishment will not be that bad. Waffle Houses actually really fun places to go for waffles! Take my advice and become YOUR fantasy league’s worst player.
My ramblings have concluded. I hope you enjoyed this article.
And one more thing.
I am still a better football manager than Jerry Jones.
(Also, Go Pack Go)
