The last issue but one ago, we at The Informer took it upon ourselves to rank all the metal sculptures dotted around campus, in the hopes of discerning, once and for all, which departing form honored their school the most.
It was, to put it mildly, an outstanding success. Seriously, a seminal classic of monastic journalism. There were no disagreements about what ranked where. All the jokes landed. No sophomore math student suffered a mild heart attack. And it certainly didn’t cause the writer to put on a fake beard and mustache and fly to Bolivia just to escape the unintended consequences of his acerbic foray into artistic criticism.
No sirree, it all went great, which is why we’re back and better than ever with a ranking, worst to best, of the various lunch spots around campus. For those of you who aren’t juniors and seniors and thus have little to no comprehension of the wonderful world of eateries surrounding these 72 acres, I say…tough beans. If you don’t like it, join Informer.
A quick note about rankings—this list only includes restaurants that Cistercian guys frequent, and isn’t necessarily based just on food quality, but also on speed of service, convenience to campus, and a certain je ne sais quoi that sets certain establishments apart from the herd (looking at you, Subz n Stuff). If your favorite spot was left off the list, or was improperly ranked, write to us at [email protected], and my brother will contact you within 7 minutes of your original query or he gets fired. Because the world isn’t fair.
10. 7-11
Here’s my only beef with 7-11. Can it really, in the truest sense of the term, be considered a restaurant? It sells food, I admit, but so does the taco truck parked on Tom Braniff Wednesday mornings, and a farther cry from a traditional lunchtime eatery could not be comprehended. Also there’s nowhere to sit, unless you count slumped next to the ice machines. And the heroin chic interior ambiance is thirty years behind the times. As a gas station or a convenience store, its podium material, but as a lunch spot? I have my doubts.
9. Corner Bakery
C.S. Lewis once said, “Aim at heaven, and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth, and you’ll end up stuck in a sticky wooden booth wondering why it takes 30 minutes to microwave a panini.” It’s true. Ask Dr. Pruitt. And in fairness, the paninis are pretty good, but the wait is too prohibitively long to rank Corner Bakery anything but 9. I’m a busy guy! I have theology reading quizzes to cram! I have math homework to forget to do! And I have a paper to run! Still, it’s not all bad news for Corner Bakery—I would polish off a Chipotle bowl with one of their monster cookies any day of the week.
7. Panda Express
Haven’t been. Have no interest in going. Hear some guys love it so it’s not last. But I don’t like Chinese food enough to put it any higher. Please don’t hate me. Moving on.
6. McDonald’s
There’s not much to say about the Golden Arches other than they’re really good at not being really terrible. Apologies to fans of Supersize Me, but it’s true—no Cistercian student has ever felt any better or any worse after leaving a McDonald’s, only fuller. Mickey D’s won’t be winning culinary awards anytime soon, but it’s a cheap way to eat mediocre food quickly, and what more could an overworked upperclassman wish for in an establishment?
5. In ‘N Out
In hindsight this absolutely should have been Whataburger, but Fede had that white In ‘N Out hat on for like a week, so I guess I just have palm trees on my mind. I’ve always been an In ‘N Out guy, and was just itching to put it on the podium. But I’m an honest man and I can’t do it. The wait’s a bit too long and the drive’s a bit too far. You heard me right. The only thing keeping the best burgers and shakes in the nation from a well-deserved first place finish is the harsh realities of geography. And it breaks my heart. If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom, weeping the manliest of tears for my lost animal fries.
4. Homemade Lunch
Just missing the podium is the oft-overlooked “bringing your lunch from home like a normal person, you overeager dingus.” For those of us who are overeager dinguses—enough of a dingus, say, to write an entire newspaper column about their dingus-ness—this represents a refreshing change. The only reason, in fact, the classic homemade lunch doesn’t deserve a podium finish is that it vacillates wildly in quality depending on the week. I’ve been stuck too many times snacking on a dry peanut butter sandwich and 3 protein bars to ever be suckered into a nostalgic belief in the Rousseauean ideal of the self-prepared midday meal. Still, a packed lunch is always the most solid of options, and delicious, cheap, and quick to boot.
3. Subz N Stuff
GO TO SUBZ N STUFF IF YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY. DELICIOUS FOOD. CONVENIENT LOCATION. CHARMING PROPRIETOR. GREAT REWARDS PROGRAM. HORRIBLE PARKING BUT THAT’S PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY DOWNSIDE. MY KEYBOARD IS STUCK IN CAPS LOCK. ONE MOMENT PLEASE.
2. Chipotle
And we’re back to normal, just in time for a restaurant so classically Cistercian it should be in all caps but will have to settle for the occasional italic. Convenient, tasty, healthy, delicious, quick, and I’ve run out of positive adjectives before a sufficient catalogue of Chipotle’s virtues could be compiled. Add to those the chance to run into an alum or catch up with an old friend and you have an atmosphere that feels less like a Mexican casual dining chain and more like an extension of the monastery, if the monastery shared a lease with a crappy nails spa. It seems like it should hold the top spot. And yet it doesn’t. Because the best restaurant is
1 Chick-fil-A
‘Nuff said.
