How to Get Into College: 7 Simple Steps
November 30, 2015
- Go with your gut. Do you ever proofread your essays? Or maybe switch topics because “What I learned from watching The Magic School Bus” turned out to be stupid to write about? Don’t do it. Studies show that your first idea is always your best idea. Have faith in yourself; this might seem like bad idea, but writer’s block happens no matter how great of a topic you have, and with today’s technology, speeling and grammer mistakes are. practically unheard of.
- Use big words. Sure, you might not know what “apricity” and “subdermatoglyphic” mean, but the colleges you’re applying to won’t either. There is no dearth of people who use obfuscating words in sesquipedalian sentences who do better in institutionalized environments. And maybe you use one wrongly at some point, so what? By the time Princeton has discovered “anachronistic oranges” makes no sense, they’ll give you an acceptance letter just for the effort.
- Procrastinate. As you may have learned from homecoming, you always need an extra day to work, until you have just one left and magically everything comes together. The same goes for college apps: when it’s crunch time, your brain doesn’t obey the laws of physics, and you can churn out those 11:57 writing supplements like nobody’s business. Also, the longer you wait, the older you get, and with age comes wisdom.
- Plagiarize. Go with what works. Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech already said more profound things than you ever will. Steal it. We make history by standing on the shoulders of giants. If the Gettysburg Address fueled a passion that ended slavery and reunited the union, who knows what putting it down in your application could do.
- Offer advice. Colleges hear a lot about you, maybe they’d like some feedback for their end occasionally. Think Sewanee is a dumb name? Wish Rutgers would move out of New Jersey? Can’t stand the color combination of the Boise State football team? Let colleges know how you feel by telling them what’s wrong with them and how they can improve, making sure to note that your admission to their university is dependent on them changing.
- Jokes jokes jokes No college counselor wants to read six thousand essays about how a mission trip to Guatemala changed some kid’s life. Mix it up; take a move from the William Henry playbook and open with “Hey bud,” or maybe even talk about your favorite Vince Vaughn movies. Whatever you do, don’t take yourself too seriously. Penn’s essay prompt might seem pretty strict to the subject of academic development and intellectual query, but don’t let it keep you from throwing in a classic “your mom goes to college!”
- Lie. Last but certainly not least is the elephant in the room we’ve all been pretending to not see. And by pretending, we’re lying to ourselves, and that’s the first step to putting together a great application. So maybe you never actually showed up to science club last year. Chances are, that kid from Harvard didn’t really eat food from a dog bowl, either. Colleges want people with sad lives who go on to do great things, and sometimes having a decent life with no accomplishments just doesn’t reflect who you are as an individual. Believe in who you aren’t, and pretty soon it’ll catch on with others. So maybe there’s technically not a captain of the diving team, but wouldn’t it just look great right under “Nobel Peace Prize winner”?
