Garbage Guru, No. 6

Facial recognition can’t tell black and brown people apart – but the police are using it anyway

This is facial recognition that’s being used in London. Not sure I can say much else about it since this is clearly despicable and much harder to make fun of than Dennis Prager being a buffoon. This is going to affect real people and lead to a much greater percentage of black and brown people being harassed in the UK. 

Florida troopers find narcotics in bag labeled ‘Bag Full of Drugs’ 

These Florida troopers need to lay off these criminals. I’m terrible at organization, so I know that if I didn’t label my drugs, I would definitely get them confused with my regular pantry ingredients. These criminals are just trying to keep everything neat and tidy so that they can access their drugs and build their criminal empire a lot easier. I’m willing to bet these criminals didn’t just shove their bad tests into their backpacks, but they put them in folders marked “Need To Improve.” And when they inevitably didn’t, they carried those same habits over with them to build their criminal empire. 

Company releases “Politics Scented Candle” made from genuine horse poop: “Subtle notes of bureaucracy”

Whoever came up with this needs a raise and a corner office with large windows. 

Avocado crime soars as Mexican gangs turn focus from opium to ‘green gold’

Millennials are the root cause of society’s problems. They’re killing the diamond industry by not buying shiny rocks, they’re killing our cable industry with their “superior streaming services,” and now, because of their avocado toast obsession, they’re causing vicious crime in Mexico. Crime in certain avocado growing areas has gotten so bad that the police can’t really patrol there anymore. As terrifying as this reality is, the fact that avocados are more profitable than opium has me in stitches.

Allegheny County judge repeatedly referred to Black juror as “Aunt Jemima”

Court is the worst place for your tongue to slip. That should be pretty self-explanatory, but apparently, this idiot of a judge can’t grasp that. Also, if you’re going to be racist (which you shouldn’t be), don’t be open about it! Also, don’t be racist to someone’s face, AND, AGAIN, DON’T DO IT IN COURT. This judge wasn’t fired or really reprimanded. He was just reassigned to a different county, which is another egregious act as well. We should be holding our public servants, especially those that uphold the laws of our nation, to a higher standard than everyone else. And if a normal person would get immediately fired for saying something like this, there should be some sort of rule in place making sure that a public servant gets fired as well, not merely relocated.