Garbage Guru, No. 7

Every day, I turn on the news and think, “Well, it can’t get any worse than this, right?” and literally every day, I am proven wrong. The Informer published an article in March calling 2020 “a crazy year,” saying, “We hope it doesn’t get any worse.” Wow, we were so wrong. To anyone that relied on our newspaper to keep themselves updated on current events, our bad. We dropped the ball on that prediction. Anyway, let’s get started and try to laugh through our tears in this edition of Garbage Guru. 

Bald Eagle Attacks State’s $950 Drone, Sends It to Bottom of Lake Michigan

I have to fight to resist the incredible urge to scream “AMERICAAA” from the rooftops after reading this. Unfortunately, this drone was harmless and used to document and monitor cool environmental conditions, so I can’t be as happy as I want to be about this destruction of government property. But let me tell you: in his grave, hearing this headline, Thomas Jefferson is definitely shedding a tear of pride.

New Zealand Wizard Insists Reports of His Retirement Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

There is a reason that New Zealand has some of the lowest numbers of COVID-19 cases in the world, and it’s not because of their insanely strict lockdown and government competency. Nope, it’s because of their real-life wizard, who has insisted he’s not going to stop being a wizard until he dies. His apprentice has been trained and is ready to take on the mantle, though he is content with his ap- prenticeship as of now. Ian Brackenbury Channell, the official wizard, says his enemies are bureaucrats, scientists, priests, and all of those boring people who don’t like real-life wizards. His job, for which he gets paid around $10,000 per year, is to drive up tourism in New Zealand, and, amazingly, it works! He’s said this is getting harder since wizards aren’t as cool anymore, but he does his best and hopes his apprentice can do even better.

Ireland under Attack from Extremely Aggressive Seagulls Spreading E. Coli

Ireland just doesn’t get a break, huh? They’re already next to England; you’d really think it couldn’t get worse than that. But now, they have to deal with violent seagulls spreading their E. coli-infected droppings? Where’s St. Patrick when you need him?

Arizona Senator Tells People to Skip a Meal to Donate Money to Her Campaign

There’s not even extra context to this headline. She’s losing to a former astronaut, so she told people to fast a little bit and donate to her campaign. It’s a new seasonal weight-loss regimen, only available during election years! Are you a politically involved citizen trying to lose weight by getting into a calorie deficit? Well BOY, do I have the solution for you! Introducing Martha McSally’s Weight Loss Program, a regimen designed to help you lose weight by taking $5 from your bank account DAILY to make sure you skip a meal. Not only will your favored candidate keep her seat, you’ll get to be skinny when celebrating her victory! Both you and your candidate win! Donate today!

Georgia Police Officer Has Meltdown over McDonalds Egg McMuffin Order

This officer pulled into the drive-thru with a McMuffin order ahead. The underpaid McDonald’s workers asked her to repeat her order, told her to pull into the parking lot because it wasn’t ready, and then brought her the coffee that she had ordered because her food still wasn’t ready yet. She then told the worker not to bother with her food and drove off, probably because she was afraid it would be poisoned or something of that nature. First of all, the cook in the kitchen has NO IDEA that the McMuffin would be for a cop; there’d be no reason to do ANYTHING other than make it. Second, no fast-food worker gets paid enough to intentionally poison someone. Third, if it’s busy, no one actually makes the ordered-ahead food first. I could go on, but just know that I used to find it hilarious how much she overreacted, and now it’s annoying because I’ve dealt with people like her and it’s very draining to have to treat them seriously.