Garbage Guru, Vol. 12


Photo Credit: Alexander Schimmeck

Doordash Spent $5.5 Million to Advertise Their $1 Million Charity Donation

Communists are empirically the most annoying people on the planet. They constantly bombard your ears with ideas of a “classless, stateless society” and if you ever bring up nations like the USSR, you’ll be forced to read a 500-page essay detailing how the Soviet Union was not what Marx envisioned in his Communist society. While many of them mean well, talking to a Communist can be one of the most insufferable things ever. Most of them seem to be absorbed more in theory than in practice. However, after seeing these headlines, perhaps one can see their point.

Top Idaho Republican: “Voting Shouldn’t Be Easy” In Attempt to Outlaw Ballot Harvesting

There are so many things wrong with this one, including the fact that this man is an elected official who is 100% serious. No offense to the millions of Idahoans that I’m sure are reading this, but perhaps this official should stick to growing potatoes instead of opening his mouth. He wants to make it a felony, IN A RURAL STATE WITH ALMOST NO PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, to drop off someone’s ballot for them (like a family member’s). Someone play the national anthem—I think Thomas Jefferson and this man should have a talk.

Man Passes Away Inside Milwaukee Apartment and Is Still Responsible For Next Month’s Rent 

What are they going to do, evict him? I think a higher power may have already taken care of that. I’d love to see the landlord try to get the money from the dead man. Perhaps he’ll take him to court? Sue him for all he’s worth?

Fraternal Order of Police seeks “accountability bonus” for body camera use

This police union wants their members to get a 5% bonus for turning on their body cameras! Yes, according to the FOP, Philadelphia police officers NEED to get paid extra because they’re being asked to do their job with some level of oversight. Well, clearly, we need to mobilize and march for this 5% bonus! Not getting it is obviously an injustice of epic proportions!

Teenager Emerging From 10-Month Coma Has No Knowledge of Pandemic 

SEND THAT POOR BOY BACK TO SLEEP, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? He doesn’t need to see this. Joseph Flavill was hit by a car last year, fell into a coma, caught COVID twice and still had no idea there was a pandemic going on. There may be a supernatural force out to get Mr. Flavill. I suggest hiring a personal exorcist.

Chinese professor: There were no ancient Western civilizations; just modern fakes made to demean China

I believe him, and frankly the evidence is stacked up in his favor. There is absolutely no way that someone was pregnant for nine long months, had to go through the excruciating pain of labor for hours, and then saw their child and decided to name him “Socrates.” Not to mention, the West claims that “ancient Rome” was a thing, which is clearly false and stupid. Everyone knows the City of Rome was built by God in the year 2019 and the memories of it being “ancient” have been implanted into our heads. I’m glad this professor is waking people up.

Portland police officers ‘guarding’ Fred Meyer dumpsters as residents seek discarded food

I thought I’d end on a headline that is utter trash. This seems to be the level that the bastion of freedom, the leader of the free world, has sunk to. We’ve assigned police officers to guard dumpsters so that homeless people cannot get food that’s already inedible anyway. Once again, someone play the national anthem—we’ll have to stand for this.