Garbage Guru, Vol. 11


Photo Credit: Paul Garland

‘I got caught up in the moment’: Man hanging from Senate balcony asks for forgiveness

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think this guy should be forgiven. I mean, I don’t know about anyone else, but there have been multiple times when I also got “caught up in the moment,” traveled to Washington D.C., violently stormed the Capitol building, and hung off the Senate balcony in an effort to make sure the guy that lost the election would still be president. Honestly, I get it.

Scientists Have Found Some Truly Ancient Ice, But Now They Want Ice That’s Even Older

What’s with scientists and never being satisfied with the ice they’ve already got? The scientists in this article have already found ice that’s 2.6 million years old, and apparently, they want ice that’s even older. I’m a little suspicious of these scientists and their ice that they refuse to share with the rest of us. They claim that they want to study this ice in an effort to see what the air was like on Earth millions of years ago, so they can’t just share it with the rest of us. I think it’s just propaganda. There’s no good reason for the top 1% of scientists to own 100% of Antarctic ice.

Biden’s Dog Major Will Get His Own “Indoguration” As White House’s First Rescue Pup

This headline isn’t garbage, but it’s certainly strange. Any and all dogs across the country were “invited to join,” and the Biden campaign allowed for puppies to be nominated for positions in Major’s Cabinet, with the most notable one being, “Secretary of Rescue Dogs.” There was a $10 fee to join the virtual Indoguration, with all proceeds going to the Delaware Humane Association, the shelter that Major was adopted from.

Former Israeli Space Head Says Aliens Are Real And A Galactic Federation Exists

Apparently, there’s also an underground base on Mars to which we’ve sent American astronauts and representatives from around the world. Professor Haim Eshed claims that the aliens are peaceful (thank goodness). They just want to understand humanity and the fabric of the universe. The professor also claims that Donald Trump KNEW about the aliens and was asked not to reveal this information because it would cause mass hysteria. Of course, as we all know, our former president is fantastic at calming people down and making sure they don’t do irrational things. While NASA has said that they haven’t found any extraterrestrial life yet, the Pentagon actually declined to comment when asked about Professor Eshed’s claims. If he’s right, we’re all going to have to deal with the frustration of alien discriminators who are going to claim that human rights don’t apply to aliens since aliens aren’t human.

‘Apocalyptic’ Sea Foam Overwhelms Australian Beaches, Bringing Forth Deadly Sea Snakes, ‘Half A Cow’

Australia seems to be the place Mother Nature decided to dump all of the creatures she made that were far too dangerous for inhabited lands. They’ve got giant spiders, all ten of the most venomous snakes in the world, kangaroos, etc. Not to mention, the poor continent is forced to deal with wildfires almost every year. Now, sea storms have brought forth sea foam so thick that it can hide half a cow, a bunch of trees, and a ton of venomous snakes. There are a lot of things that Americans (rightfully) complain about, but we should be thankful that we’re not living in Mother Nature’s sadistic playground.