IRVING, TEXAS — A Form IV student at the alleged school Cistercian Preparatory School is claiming to have read the entirety of Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations during the prior semester.  Considering both the length of the book and the widespread lack of engagement Dickens’ work usually garners from the students at the facility, the Informer decided to interview the young man to see if he did indeed read all of Great Expectations, which would be an unprecedented feat.  Ben Woods (‘21). who spends every day striving to numb the pain of being an Arsenal fan, and Ayden Kowalski (‘21), who has given up at shaving his mustache at this point, bravely took the job. They traveled about 9 miles north and 9 miles south from their campus to interview this pending world champion.

Ben: Thank you so much for coming today.

Student: No problem. (His brow is slightly sweaty.) I’ve read Great Expectations probably twice now. Have you read it? (His bravado is stapled to the grin on his face.)

Ayden: Yes. Let’s talk about it.

Student: Alright. Hit me!

Ben: Okay. Did you ever use any sort of online summaries instead of reading?

Student: I’ve never even used SparkNotes.

Ayden: Are you sure? Your English grades suggest otherwise.

Student: Uhhh…. that was for A Separate Peace. I’m not reading that.

Ben: Understandable. That book was even worse. Now, to verify you actually pulled this off, we have to ask you some questions about the book. Are you ready?

Student: I was ready since I was born. Let’s go! (His expression looks like he was born yesterday.)

Ben: Alright! Let’s start out easy. Who is the main character and who does he have a huge crush on?

Student: Bruh, I told you I read it. (He laughs nervously in a relieved way.) It’s Pip and he has a huge crush on that hot girl, Estella. Duh. (There’s an awkward silence.) Can we be done now?

Ben: Not yet. Sorry. Can I get you a towel or washrag? You’re sweating very heavily.

Student: No, thanks, I have an… uhh… sweating disorder. Very tragic.

Ben: My condolences to your armpits.

Ayden: Okay, since you think that last one was so easy, what are your thoughts on the complex relationship between Pip and Miss Havisham, and how do you think her ultimate demise plays into this relationship?

Student: (He takes out his phone and begins to feverishly type.) Uhh, wait, my… girlfriend is texting me, I need to respond.

Ben: Suuuure. A guy with a sweating disorder has a girlfriend. (He takes out a phone and opens the SparkNotes summary.)

Student: Miss Havisham (he looks up, smiling) is redeemed at the end of the novel when she realizes that she has caused Pip’s heart to be broken in the same manner as her own; rather than achieving any kind of personal revenge, she has only caused more pain.*

Ayden: Huh. This is the same thing as SparkNotes. But–

Student: It’s obvious; of course it’s on SparkNotes. But I’m not done! Miss Havisham immediately…*

Ben, Ayden, & Student: “…Begs Pip for forgiveness, reinforcing the novel’s theme that bad behavior can be redeemed by contrition and sympathy.” *

Ayden: A Separate Peace, huh? (The student looks defeated.)

Ben: Do you even know what Miss Havisham’s final demise is?

Student: Yeah, of course. (His upper lip sweats heavily.) She… uhhh… got killed by Pip’s real dad. I forget his name.

Ben: Wow. I think we have our answer.

Ayden: I think I read more of Great Expectations!

Ben: Thanks for your time. We now will shame you publicly.

The student left after that in shambles, his cover shattered.

R.I.P.

Sections marked with * contain content from SparkNotes’s summary of Miss Havisham, and were accessed on January 9, 2018:  http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/greatex/character/miss-havisham/